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Movie Review: Caveman's Valentine

Story: A paranoid schizophrenic homeless man discovers a frozen dead body up in a tree near the cave he calls home in the Inwood Park section of Manhattan (for those of you who live out of town this in the northern most part of Manhattan). This film is supposed to be a mystery - thriller. What is a mystery to me is how this film ever got made? Based on a book by George Dawes Green (I did not read it) and directed by Kasi Lemmons (Eve's Bayou - I did not see it) there is a lot of psycho ranting about big business, green rays emanating from the Chrysler building and a strange Oz like figure called Mr. Stuyvesant. Suddenly our schizo becomes a homeless Sherlock Holmes and decides to solve the man's mysterious death. Incredibly, the writer and director somehow managed to make me not to care about any of the characters. The dog wasn't even that interesting. Don't go!

Acting: Samuel L. Jackson needs a vacation. He has been working too hard. And his waist length dredlocks were very annoying. There was one 'lock' that was always down the middle of his face. The women in the film were treated much better than anyone else. Tamara Tunie and Aunjanue Ellis came off pretty well, comparatively.

Critters: One Doberman.

Food: Lime Rickeys. My friend Mark, visiting again from SF, suggested I give you the recipe for this odd colored drink (it looked a bit like Gatorade on screen). I thought that was a good idea, so here it is: 1 and 1/2 oz. of gin, 4 oz. of Margarita Mix, 1 oz. of Club soda. Mix ingredients in a highball glass over ice. Squeeze lime wedge into drink.

Visual Art: Some really bad art, sculpture and 'artsy fartsy' photographs.

Blatant Product Placement: Absolut Vodka

Soundtrack: Tries to hard to be high brow.

Opening Titles: Ordinary.

Theater Audience: We thought we would be the only two in the theater but there were about ten others. Two left in the middle (maybe they didn't pay).

Squirm Scale: 3 - meat hooks are squirmy.

Oscar Worthy: Ha!

Nit Picking: This film takes place in NYC. I am overly observant when they film in the City. The most blatantly annoying thing was the interior of the subway cars were not the color of any subway line in the City. But I guess our orange colored seats wouldn't work well for this gothic schlock flick, so they used a blue leathery looking bench.

Big Screen or Rental: Neither.

Length: 1 hour and 40 minutes.