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Movie Review: The Matrix: Reloaded

Alternate Title: The Matrix: Rebloated

Story: The length is bloated and the action scenes are bloated (by the time the action in each fight scene was finished I was lost as to why the fight was happening in the first place). The following is cruel, but I can't help it - Laurence Fishburne was also bloated. He has obviously been eating off of the fat of the previous success of The Matrix.

The brothers Wachowski, Andy and Larry have delivered the second part of their trilogy (the last part Matrix Revolutions is due out in November) to a vast pool of eager fans. They had box office boffo numbers last weekend and I am sure that on this wet East Coast they will have enormous numbers at the end of the holiday washout Memorial weekend, too.

For those of you who haven't a clue as to what The Matrix is all about - this is it in a nutshell (as best I can tell). Most of humanity is locked in a blissful sort of dream state - unconscious of that fact that everything around them is an illusion controlled by the alien machine invasion. (I am all too aware that this is the actual waking state of some of us in our real world, but that's a topic for another time in a different format.) The aware ones are in a constant state of battle living in an underground place called 'Zion' (does this make them Zionists)? These folks from Zion believe their survival rests in the following often spoken words -- the Prophecy, the Oracle and above all -- the One.

By this time in the film I could not have cared less about anything or anyone. My movie buddy fell asleep often (by the way...she chose to see this film, not me) and after a while I stopped poking her and just let her snooze. She was far wiser than I was - I stayed awake.

Acting: Stop it! There is no acting. Hugo Weaving (Proof) as Agent Smith was by far the best one in the film. Keanu Reeves (who cannot act) was consistently stone-faced and emotionless as The One. Carrie Ann-Moss gets credit for looking great in that slinky rubberized cat lady outfit she wore the entire film unless she was in her Flashdance dirty sweatshirt mode. I have already mentioned Laurence Fishburne in his great Buddha belly imitation role.

Predilection: None.

Critters: Crows

Food: There is no time to eat when you are constantly saving humanity.

Visual Art: None.

Blatant Product Placement: Cadillac and Ducati Motorcycles.

Soundtrack: Loud.

Opening Titles: Uninspiring.

Theater Audience: Packed with Matrix fans and the curious. We sat through the credits (which are also bloated) and were teased with previews to the third and final installment of Matrix Revolutions. So if you are a fan, you might want to sit through the ten minutes of credits for a preview of more pointless fight scenes.

Squirm Scale: Eye-rolling scale was high.

Predictability Level: Over the Matrix top.

Tissue Usage: I cried thinking I could have given the $10 admission price to a charity instead.

Oscar Worthy: Ha!

Nit Picking: It was very annoying to see the bad digitalized characters who bore no resemblance to the actual people they were supposed to be. I also was laughing at the fact that Keanu Reeves' sunglasses were always askew.

Big Screen or Rental: Neither.

Length: 18 minutes over the two hour Lobo rule. I began to look at my watch after only 45 minutes.

LOBO HOWLS: 2