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Movie Review: Snatch

Story: These are the things that are wrong with this film - it is stupid, derivative, sadistic, rehashed, insulting to almost all groups, violent, jerky, women and animals are treated terribly, and did I mention there is a dreaded narrator? This is what is good about the film - it is short! Writer and director Guy Ritchie (in case you have been in a coma, he just married Madonna) has pretty much remade his first film, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. There are trying way too hard to be quirky characters, mayhem, mix-ups, funny accents and the faint semblance of a story about the robbery of an 86 carat diamond. My mind quickly started to wander when I started to hear the characters' names. The lovable gang included, Frankie Four Fingers, Tony the Blade, Bullet Tooth Tony and Jack the All-Seeing Eye. I started to come up with names for myself (this is not what one is supposed to do while watching any movie). I came up with Silver Screen Slick and Lobo, the Balcony Babe. Anyone have any good names to contribute for me or for yourself? Let me hear from you, but please don't waste your time at this film. It would be a better use of your time if your rearranged your sock drawer.

Acting: Super hottie Benicio Del Toro (Traffic) should eliminate this film from his resume. He was lucky to be eliminated early on in the film. Brad Pitt reprises his role in Fight Club only this time you can't understand a word he says, nor did I care. Almost everyone else in the film was stereotypical and annoying.

Critters: I HATE when animals are not treated well in a film. This is reason enough not to see this movie. (Lots of dogs and pigs.)

Food: There was no time for food. There was too much violence.

Visual Art: None.

Blatant Product Placement: Jaguar and Mercedes.

Soundtrack: I don't remember anything but a Madonna tune.

Opening Titles: This was the only thing that wasn't too bad. It was downhill from there.

Theater Audience: Boo Hoo! My secret balcony's no secret any more. Ten interlopers have found my special place.

Squirm Scale: 7

Oscar Worthy: HA!

Nit Picking: Stop the madness!

Big Screen or Rental: Neither.

Length: 100 minutes.